If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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