How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
