i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
