Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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