First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
