His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
