We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
