Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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