Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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