..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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