I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
