I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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