Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
