Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
