If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
nutella sex= disaster
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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