My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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