Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
