i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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