Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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