I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
