a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
did i walk over a car last night?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
