Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
