my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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