2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
