i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
