He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
