You really coming over, don't trick.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
