Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
