I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
