you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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