If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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