he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
