I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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