just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I believe in your delicious
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
