I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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