i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just want nice things and good sex
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
