if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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