i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
