I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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