your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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