You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
