Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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