i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
