I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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