i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
