we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This is my gift to your gina
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
