Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
