I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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