for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
