I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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