My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Randomize
