After last night, I could never be a politician.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
