I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
